Warum? Erfahrungen eines Angehörigen
Fragen beschäftigen uns wohl alle. Doch eine Antwort ist oft nicht zu finden, trotz langer Suche. Ich denke dass mir in diesem Punkt viele beipflichten werden. Trotzdem ist jedes Schicksal ein bisschen anders. Genau wie wir Menschen eben verschieden sind.
Ich sitze gerade jetzt in just diesem Moment vor dem Bildschirm und tippe etwas in meine Tatstatur. Es ist eigentlich nur so eine fixe Idee, die da gerade meine Nervenbahnen entlangwandert. Trotzdem ist sie ein Teil von mir. Genauso wie es ein Teil von mir ist, als Angehöriger mit einer solchen Krankheit umzugehen und zu leben. Oft versteht man meine Gedanken und Gefühle miss oder kann sie nicht richtig einordnen. Aber mir ist es wichtig, meine Sicht der Dinge an den Tag zu legen, gerade weil es doch die Angehörigen sind die mitleiden.
Es fällt jedoch schwer alles in Worte zu fassen, es auszusprechen. Worte bleiben einem im Halse stecken. Wie eine Art einbahnstraße. Du willst vorwärts und den Weg zum Ohr des Gegenübers finden. Doch kurz vorm Ziel, bleibst du stehen. Nun geht es weder vor, noch kannst du zurück. Und mit der Zeit verstopft der Weg immer mehr. Dann bist du gefangen in deiner selbst. Da gibt es dann einen Ausweg, ein letztes Ventil zum „Dampf ablassen“. Denn schreiben ist einfacher und zugleich doch befreiend.
Obwohl man häufig auf kritik und Unverständnis stößt, eben weil es für einen Aussenstehenden kaum nachvollziehbar ist den Ernst der Lage zu erkannen oder gar zu begreifen. Er sieht eine derartige Situation mehr oder minder quasi durch ein Fenster an. Wobei Ich einstückweit handelnde Person hinter dem Fenster darstelle.
Und das macht es nicht gerade einfacher. Bin schließlich kein Psychiater. Oftmals wünschte ich jedoch, ich wäre es. Vielleicht könnte ich dann hinter die Fassade blicken und akzeptieren das es so ist wie es eben nunmal ist. Ich wäre autark in meiner Entscheidung ob ich als Mensch so handele oder anders, denn ich könnte mögliche Fehler gegebenenfalls eindämmen oder gar verhindern. Natürlich, jeder Mensch macht Fehler, niemand ist perfekt. Doch leider können Fehlhandlungen in einer solchen Situation fatale Folgen haben. Manchmal ohne das wir es merken, nur der unmittelbar Betroffene spürt es.
Oft habe ich deshalb Schuldgefühle und die nagen dann lange in mir. Manchmal fühle ich mich dann sogar selber erstlich krank. Ein Zusammenleben ist nicht einfach, und es gibt momente da kann ich nicht mehr stark sein um zu unterstützen, da brauche ich jemanden der sich auch mal um mich kümmert. Leider muss man da oft zurückstecken.
Und da bin ich an einem Punkt angelangt, der mich immer wieder zum Staunen bringt, denn dieses Feingefühl, diese Sensible Gespür der Zwischenmenschlichen Beziehungen zeichnen einen Charakter dieser „labilen“, „kranken“ aus. Darum beneide ich sie. Daran klammere ich mich teilweise, wenn es mal wieder besonders schlimm ist. So hat selbst dies noch etwas Gutes, wenn auch nur in gewisser Weise.
Es mag auf den ersten Blick absurd klingen, oder sogar egoistisch und egozentrisch. Es ist meiner meinung nach allerdings meist Der Angehörige und nicht etwa die Betroffene Person selbst, welche am stärksten zu leiden hat.
Für sie ist das nämlich „normal“ es gehört einfach zu ihnen dazu. Und nicht gezwungenermassen eine Qual so zu leben, da es doch quasi deren EIGENE WELT ist. Eine für uns unvorstellbare, ferne, unnahbare Welt, manchmal sogar extrem beängstigend und „irre“. Aber was ist den in unserer heutigen Zeit normal???
Eigentlich haben wir doch gar nicht das Recht, das zu definieren. Warum nehmen wir uns nicht so an wie wir eben sind? Warum unterstütst man uns nicht, sondern wendet uns die kalte schulter zu, anstatt zu hinterfragen, welche Gründe eine soche Abweichung von der Norm unserer Gesellschaftlichen Struktur hat?
Die bunte, schillernde Welt geprägt von Macht, Reichtum und Intelligenz zählen scheinbar mehr als Geborgenheit, Verständnis und gegenseitige Akzeptanz!!!!
Wer anders ist, wird als „verrückt“ abgestempelt. Ein solches Verhalten kann und darf nicht länger toleriert werden. Doch der Wille etwas zu verändern ist klein. zu klein.
Wer behauptet es könne die Seele mit all ihren Facetten verstehen, analysieren, quasie „in uns hineingucken“ der täuscht gewaltig! Manchmal ist uns doch selbst unser eigenes Seelenleben ein Rätsel. Als habe sie ein Eigenleben entwickelt. es ist nicht mehr der Verstand der Leitet, vielmehr eine innere Macht die wir vielleicht bis dahin noch nicht kannten. Das macht mich oft wütend, traurig und verzeifelt. Doch mit wem kann, bzw. darf man darüber heutzutage überhaupt noch reden?!
Ich wünsche abschließend allen hier die Kraft und Besonnenheit, zu kämpfen. Kämpfen um die eigene Seele nicht auch noch zu verlieren und in ein Loch zu fallen aus dem es kein zurück mehr gibt!!!
„Ich bin Leben, das leben will,
inmitten von Leben das Leben will!“
Diese Worte Albert Schweitzers sollen ein Zeichen setzten. Den auch ein Mensch der anders ist wie du selbst ist auf seine Art etwas ganz besonderes und hat ein Recht auf ein würdiges Leben in unserer Gesellschaft!!!
Am 05.10.2004 anonym zur Veröffentlichung zugesandt von „Regenbogenschatten“ (Pseudonym)
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